Ada Muses

Co-Founder Of The Dating Loft, Ada muses on dating, match-making and love….

Words of Wisdom from a Hong Kong Psychiatrist

November22

Came across some interesting words of advice and point of views from a well known male Hong Kong Psychiatrist who says that modern marriages only have a “30%” chance of making it.

He claimed that a famous female psychatrist once said that Chinese women contributed to 90% of all divorces. The main reason being that Chinese Women “liked to be in charge and in control, and to make the decisions”, and that this trait was not that obvious in Japanese and Korean women.

He claimed in one of his conferences, a very successful career woman came to him and asked him for advice to “tame her husband (to be obedient to her)”. He asked her: “Why do you need your husband to be obedient? He is not a pet or project that you need to tame or accomplish. Isn’t it enough that he loves/cherishes you?”

He further elaborates on the definition of a wife who “Wang Fu”, who helps her husband to achieve success in life. It has less to do with her “8 characters” at birth, but more to do with HERSELF. Is she a supportive and encouraging wife who can be a pillar of strength for her husband and family?

Or is she negative and always complaining and comparing her husband with others? This type of wives are referred to as “Ke Fu”, who poises a stumbling block to her husband’s success.

He claimed too that there are too many “Ke Fu” wives out there, while “Wang Fu” wives are sorely lacking (thus in great demand). Guys – Choose your spouses carefully if you want to achieve the goals you want in life. Externals such as looks and age can only bring you that far.

Gals – BE the ONE that you Want. If you want your spouse to be successful and provide financial and emotional security for you, then BE THE ONE that he can cherish and love.
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Is there really no hope for local Single Women over 35?

November3

Ever since Violet (Co-founder of Lunch Actually) launched her book recently, there has been a mini furore about the “unmatchability” of single women over the age of 35 years old. I have had phone and email enquiries from women with regard to this, as well as reporter from Wo Bao calling in to ask whether there has been a marked increase in the number of female members over 35 years old over these few years, and whether they are harder to match. My answers are: No, there has not been a marked increase, and yes they are harder to match.

Our conversation moved on to why women above 35 years are harder to match, and how do we handle them etc….Frankly, The Dating Loft does not have an official age limit, most of our members are aged mid 20s to their mid 40s (for men mostly). Every agency has their “own house rules”, and because women above 35 are really harder to match, it is no wonder many have stopped at matching for women past a certain age….

We are not trying to blow our own trumpet or trying to say that we are better than others, but we have never  reject a member outright before meeting them in person. We believe everyone has a chance at happiness and would like to meet the person and understand the person better before making a judgement call on their suitability. After all, I have met young ladies in their 20s whom I though were in their late 30s, and I have met babelicious women in their early 40s whose skin condition and figure would put most younger women (including me) to shame.

But why are the older women harder to match? Apart from the more obvious reasons of the biological clock ticking (Men loved to use this as an excuse when refusing to meet a woman in her mid 30s – “She will be a high risk mum” or “I prefer to have more couple time together before starting a family.”), many older (not all) single women I had met had channelled their formidable energies into building up their careers or businesses and thus are financially independent/rich….and along the way turned into demanding, domineering and controlling copies of their former selves. Because they had achieved so much by themselves, they expected more out of their potential partners. Their potential partners (even if it is just a date) have to “earn more than them, and/or have higher qualifications, and of course preferably be taller than them, and a host of other admirable qualities….” They only focused on what they want, what they expect, and forgot to ask themselves are they what MEN wants? I particularly remembered profiling a dowdy divorcee with 2 kids in her early 40s, who worked as a personal assistant to the CEO, an American expat in a MNC. She is adamantly looking for someone “preferably CEO or director level, in his 40s with annual income of at least 500K, be at least 1.8m tall and slim….” I was shaking my head during the profile and wondered in my heart what she was thinking?

We need to accept the simple fact that most if not all men are VISUAL. And realistic and practical as well. And SIMPLE. And they usually improved with age. AGE is a huge thing for local men. 80% probably prefers not to date/marry anyone older than them if given a choice. And asking them to meet a dowdy, divorcee in her early 40s with kids, who looked her age (or worse) on a blind date is impossible, even if they themselves are balding, paunchy, divorced with kids, and in their 40s too. So do we blame men for being looks/age-fixated? Or can we hold a mirror to ourselves and honestly ask ourselves this question: “In all honesty, would we DATE ourselves?”

On the other hand, I am glad that the younger generation (those in the 20s) seems to be taking a more open approach towards formalised dating channels such as joining dating agencies or events, as there has been a steady increase in their numbers here at The Dating Loft and Getthemdates. I observed that the younger members (mid 20s to late 20s) who joined us are usually more focused and goal-oriented. They came because they want to achieve certain milestones such as getting married by age 28, or having a family at age 30 etc…. Some of them may not have a relationship before and hence wants to get started before they get too old, which is great! I have always been a firm believer in making things happen, instead of waiting passively for things to happen!
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Singaporean Men LEAST willing to spend on their partners?

October22

Today is interview DAY! I received two calls from two reporters from The New Paper, and Lian He Zao Bao respectively. The TNP reporter asked for my comments on whether I think the Average Joes or the Hunks has the advantage when it comes to dating. Apparently an article which appeared on last sunday New Paper, showed that the Plain Janes beat the Hot Babes in dating!
Apparently Hot babes are used to attention from men since young, and thus have set up HIGH expectations of guys in dating and relationship while Plain Janes are more down to earth and realistic in their expectations, and do not expect the guys to worship at their feet; bring flowers each time, surprise them with lavish gifts etc.
Arh! Well I think I’m a babe, and i definitely do not set up unrealistic expectations for my guy. =P
Another interesting survey was revealed by the Lian He Zao Bao reporter, who said that Singaorean men was ranked the LEAST willing to spend on their love partners, followed by Hong Kong men, out of a survey of 9 Asian cities.
She asked me whether I have observed such behaviour from the local men when in dating. I honestly think this has nothing to do with Singaporean men (well, at least the majority of them) being more “stingy” but more because of the “equality” of the sexes.
Interestingly Singapore and Hong Kong are the most “developed” of all the 9 cities surveyed, and the socio-economic status of women are the highest. The income disparity between working men and women are the least among the 9 cities surveyed. With local women earning their own money and having similiar levels of purchasing power, local men probably didn’t feel the need to “buy” love and admiration from the women to augment their roles as “providers” and “protectors”, while the women lowered their expectations of having their men pay for things for them.
However, a word for advice for men: if you can no longer bank on your earning power to “hunt”, it is time to cultivate other essential “attraction” skills which is much admired by women all over – the art of communicating meaningfully, art of listening intently, and the ability to share the fruits of a well-read and well-used brain.
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Winning Mentality in LOVE and LIFE

October19

Had a whole day of events at SCAPE Orchard on Saturday in celebration of SDN 1st Birthday Bash! I hosted a quirky bread personality workshop at 2pm, a talk on stage on the “Winning Mentality in life and Love!”.

It was great meeting the 6 participants from Match Me Cupid and having Genecia Luo (of Inqueenz Training Academy) to give them some tips on deportment and dressing themselves for first dates.

They were a participative and enthuiastic bunch of young people! We had fun on stage with them at 9pm, and I think they all made friends with each other!


The Dating Loft also had a booth at the event, and Sharon, Jessica and Tiffany had fun playing Cat Women of the day, giving out delicious crunchy chocolate cookies from Mirabelle Patisserie and distributing flyers.

Finally photo opportunities with some friends we met at night to round off a busy busy day!
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Dating in Singapore – Decent Men and Public Toilets

September17

This blog post is overdue, as I have been caught up in a lot of plans and meetings recently. I met up with some single friends (and their friends) for drinks last week at 1-Altitude. It was a super cool night (cool because the wind was blowing relentlessly). The view was good from the top but well, it’s just that. Maybe I expected it to have a little more oomph so I was a tad disappointed.
Anyway, I met 2 interesting chaps in their late 20s-early 30s who are intelligent, holds decent conversations and are in good old stable jobs, travelling to exotic and far flung places such as Brazil and Russia on tax payers’ money. :) The topic pretty much moved on dating escapades sin Singapore once they found what I do for a living.
Decent men do have some standards. One of the guys was hotly pursued in (their own words) by a “Hot, chio babe”, whom he met while on a car-buying excursion.
Apparently she was very into him, and asked him if he liked her within the next day, and for the next couple of days tried all ways and means to “get” him, even going to the extent of appearing at his house at midnight wearing a short short shorts and a tight tank top. However apparently nothing much happened according to him.
My girlfriend’s first reaction was, “What’s Wrong with You? Seriously.” While we joked and teased the poor guy mercilessly,I think that this demonstrates clearly what I termed The Fear of the Decent Men - that He (The smartest, Most Intelligent, Most Capable Man alive) is just next in the line of ahem…public toilet users.
When a woman, especially one as Hot as they claimed, came on as strong as she apparently did, Men are going to THINK with their right head (for a change) after the inital rush of lust and attraction. The guy friend used words such as “crazy” to describe the Hot girl – he did not have any physcial relationship with her (even though I’m sure the other head is yearning to), because he was afraid of the consequences.
In his words, he said “What if she want had wanted me to marry her after we had sex? What if she kicked up a big fuss at my office as she has my name card?”. In other words, She was sizzling red hot affair-material but not WIFE material. She was probably good for a tumble in bed (in this case, the tumble didn’t even happen because she was deemed too unstable and crazy), but not as the mother of his kids.
It was an interesting conversation. At least my female single friends can take comfort in the fact that there are actually more decent men (who think with their right heads at critical junctions) around than commonly assumed. Respect and love yourself and you can expect the same from others. Public toilets are like canteen food – we would much rather be served in our own kitchens.
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