Ada Muses

Co-Founder Of The Dating Loft, Ada muses on dating, match-making and love….

Is there really no hope for local Single Women over 35?

November3

Ever since Violet (Co-founder of Lunch Actually) launched her book recently, there has been a mini furore about the “unmatchability” of single women over the age of 35 years old. I have had phone and email enquiries from women with regard to this, as well as reporter from Wo Bao calling in to ask whether there has been a marked increase in the number of female members over 35 years old over these few years, and whether they are harder to match. My answers are: No, there has not been a marked increase, and yes they are harder to match.

Our conversation moved on to why women above 35 years are harder to match, and how do we handle them etc….Frankly, The Dating Loft does not have an official age limit, most of our members are aged mid 20s to their mid 40s (for men mostly). Every agency has their “own house rules”, and because women above 35 are really harder to match, it is no wonder many have stopped at matching for women past a certain age….

We are not trying to blow our own trumpet or trying to say that we are better than others, but we have never  reject a member outright before meeting them in person. We believe everyone has a chance at happiness and would like to meet the person and understand the person better before making a judgement call on their suitability. After all, I have met young ladies in their 20s whom I though were in their late 30s, and I have met babelicious women in their early 40s whose skin condition and figure would put most younger women (including me) to shame.

But why are the older women harder to match? Apart from the more obvious reasons of the biological clock ticking (Men loved to use this as an excuse when refusing to meet a woman in her mid 30s – “She will be a high risk mum” or “I prefer to have more couple time together before starting a family.”), many older (not all) single women I had met had channelled their formidable energies into building up their careers or businesses and thus are financially independent/rich….and along the way turned into demanding, domineering and controlling copies of their former selves. Because they had achieved so much by themselves, they expected more out of their potential partners. Their potential partners (even if it is just a date) have to “earn more than them, and/or have higher qualifications, and of course preferably be taller than them, and a host of other admirable qualities….” They only focused on what they want, what they expect, and forgot to ask themselves are they what MEN wants? I particularly remembered profiling a dowdy divorcee with 2 kids in her early 40s, who worked as a personal assistant to the CEO, an American expat in a MNC. She is adamantly looking for someone “preferably CEO or director level, in his 40s with annual income of at least 500K, be at least 1.8m tall and slim….” I was shaking my head during the profile and wondered in my heart what she was thinking?

We need to accept the simple fact that most if not all men are VISUAL. And realistic and practical as well. And SIMPLE. And they usually improved with age. AGE is a huge thing for local men. 80% probably prefers not to date/marry anyone older than them if given a choice. And asking them to meet a dowdy, divorcee in her early 40s with kids, who looked her age (or worse) on a blind date is impossible, even if they themselves are balding, paunchy, divorced with kids, and in their 40s too. So do we blame men for being looks/age-fixated? Or can we hold a mirror to ourselves and honestly ask ourselves this question: “In all honesty, would we DATE ourselves?”

On the other hand, I am glad that the younger generation (those in the 20s) seems to be taking a more open approach towards formalised dating channels such as joining dating agencies or events, as there has been a steady increase in their numbers here at The Dating Loft and Getthemdates. I observed that the younger members (mid 20s to late 20s) who joined us are usually more focused and goal-oriented. They came because they want to achieve certain milestones such as getting married by age 28, or having a family at age 30 etc…. Some of them may not have a relationship before and hence wants to get started before they get too old, which is great! I have always been a firm believer in making things happen, instead of waiting passively for things to happen!
SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Why get married at all? Women don’t need providers and men don’t need in-house procreators.

June9

Read an interesting article on Channel News Asia. Why do men and women get married? Have you ever wondered?
Why get married at all? Women don’t need providers and men don’t need in-house procreators. Turns out, we both want to get married. But for very different reasons.

For all the young women who’ve chewed their nails to the skin anticipating a proposal, it may be a relief to know that, yes, men still want to get married. But there’s a critical difference between the sexes. In broad terms, when a woman falls in love, just like the Trinity character in The Matrix, she knows he’s The One. But a man’s readiness can be seen as a life stage. To call on The Matrix again, a time when he’s ready to take the red pill.

“He first needs to feel like he knows what he’s doing in the world and where he’s going,” says John Gray, relationship counselor and author of the Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus books. “Women are more concerned about who they’re going with.”

“Historically men have been more eager to marry when they’re financially secure, and women have wanted to marry when they wanted children,” says Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist and author of Why Him? Why Her? Fisher calls it a “human male need” to provide for his wife, a desire that hearkens back to our hunter-and-gatherer days when the “dual-income family was the rule.” She harvested the fruits and vegetables, and he brought home the meat.

But when the woman was pregnant or nurturing small children, she was vulnerable. It became the man’s job to protect and provide for his family. Today, still, men do not feel ready for marriage until they can fulfill that historic role, albeit with career stability and a certain amount in the bank rather than a bison turning on the spit.

The real change is that now marriage readiness goes both ways. Gray says that he’s observed a shift in marriage because of women’s education and work. Women now receive 60% of college degrees and comprise half the workforce. “When she has a good job, her security needs are met, and she looks for a man to provide emotional support,” says Gray. Women are looking for partners who are romantic, supportive, good communicators and will be helpful on the home front, Gray says.

Researchers and sociology professors Christine B. Whelan at the University of Pittsburgh and Christie F. Boxer at the University of Iowa set out to find out what men and women look for in a spouse and uncovered this very trend. From a list of attractive traits, women ranked a man’s desire for home and children at No. 4. In past decades they had ranked it much lower. In 1977, for example, it was No. 10.

Men’s standards, too, have changed in what they find attractive in a potential wife. Until the 1960s men ranked a woman’s education and intelligence at No. 11 on their lists of attractive qualities. Now men prioritize a woman’s intelligence over her good looks, ranking it at No. 4 as compared to No. 8.

And unlike the urban myth of husband-hunters like Sex and the City’s Charlotte York, more women are delaying or forgoing marriage. According to the current population survey, the median age at first marriage in 2009 was 26 for women and 28 for men, up from 22 and 25 a century ago. Marriage historian Stephanie Coontz, a professor at the Evergreen State College in Olympia, Wash., says with more options, women are delaying marriage to pursue education and find the man they really love.

“It’s only in the last 20 years that women have said they’d marry just for love,” says Coontz. “It used to be that people were embarrassed to admit they loved their spouse, but now they’re embarrassed to admit the other reasons for marriage.”

Sociologist Whelan believes that both sexes tie the knot due to a combination of love and social pressure, and that pressure comes a bit later for men. The typical ready-to-wed man, she says, has been out of college for a few years, maybe just got a promotion or raise, and has experienced a summer of attending several of his friends’ weddings.

Once friends start walking down the aisle, “it’s as if a light bulb goes off in their heads,” says Whelan. Suddenly men realize they want to settle down, and they start seeing the women they date through an is-she-wife-material lens.

Read the complete article at http://www.channelnewsasia.com/stories/living/view/1061042/1/.html
SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

On Infidelity – Part 1 Who is more likely to cheat – Man or Woman?

March25

A friend facebooked me a few weeks asking me to look into the topic of Fidelity. It is a topic worth exploring (especially in the light of the recent Neo saga and his ‘tender grass’), but I fear this topic will require more than a blog or two. It’s like a whole ten year series! I grappled with this topic – how much should I cover in depth and breadth? Faintz….

Ok my valiant attempt to explore this topic in different stages….Let’s start by asking this question: “Who is more likely to cheat – Man or Woman?” and what kind of man or woman are more likely than others to cheat? And is there any tips to spot these people before you jump into a relationship with them?

Read some interesting stuff in my research on this and wanted to bring up some findings. Recently, two economists, Bruce Elmslie, chair of the Department of Economics at University of New Hampshire’s Whittemore School of Business and Economics, and Edinaldo Tebaldi, a professor at Bryant University, researched the economic costs of cheating for men and women. It is unusual in that it looks at infidelity from a cost-benefit analysis, rather than a sociological or psychological point of view.

The answer to the first question:

Tada! No surprises here!

Men Who Are More Likely to Cheat on Their Wife

Married men are 7 percent more likely than married women to commit adultery. And, when a man has an affair, he doesn’t seem to consider the consequences of his actions.

Infidelity for women peaks at 45, the study found. For men, it peaks at age 55.

1.Men who are more likely to commit adultery:

•Live in cities (where there is greater opportunity to escape discovery)

•Do not have a college degree

•Do not belong to any particular socioeconomic group

2.What men do not take into account when having an affair:

•The economic status of the new woman, or her ability to bear children

•Their wife’s educational level

•Religion

“As with spousal education, men don’t weigh the costs — spousal quality or eternal damnation — when deciding whether or not to have an affair,” Elmslie said.

  1. Women who are more likely to commit adultery:
  • Live in cities (where there is greater opportunity to escape discovery)
  • Do not have a college education 
  • Regularly skip church (non religious)  
  • Are upper class
  1. What women do take into account when having an affair:
  • Their husband’s educational achievement
  • If their new partner can father a child and provide financial stability 
  • Religion

These, of course, are statistical findings. And, sometimes the percentages are small.

What’s important about the study, however, is that “Men seem to respond to opportunity and not to our measures of cost.”

In other words, to keep a husband faithful, it’s important to eliminate opportunities for him to stray. Keeping your husband on a tight lease? Any tips to share?

Any comments?
SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

It’s A Date & I have got 3 bears!

February21

Had a fulfilling and busy day yesterday at Suntec Convention Centre for the Dating Fiesta, It’s A Date! Organised by the Social Development Network, it attracted more than a thousand singles to drop by to grab some cute teddy bears, attend workshops and talks, make new friends and meet local celebrities singles such as Nat Ho and Paige Chua!

We had a great time at The Dating Loft’s booth, generating a significant amount of interest from the singles who dropped by to say hi and to find out more about our Vday’s Promotions. Tiffany did a great job of talking to them (and getting hitted on by some old men in the process =P).
adatiff1

Meanwhile, I gave a presentation on “Snag the Girl & Guy of Your Dream!” – being the Right One to Attract the Right One. It was such an adrenaline rush sharing with the audience my experiences from interacting with thousands of singles in this 3 1/2 year journey running The Dating Loft. Joining me on stage was Miss Earth Singapore, Ivy and Woman of Excellence South East Asia 2010 and Inqueenz Founder, Ms Genecia Luo. I felt like a dwarf standing in between them!

ivyadagen21

Managed to plead for 3 cuddly teddy tears: S for Sociable, D (Desirable) and N (Nice)! Arh! What a great way to end a full day!
SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

An Eligible Single’s Journey (Genecia Luo) by Tuesday Report

February12

Had an interesting night yesterday. The crew from Tuesday Report (星期二特写) was here at The Dating Loft for a shooting of a pre-arranged singles’ dinner for Inqueenz founder, Genecia Luo (www.inqueenz.com). Started off really really late…we had scheduled it to start at 8pm and wrapped up by 10 plus but we left the office at nearly 1am!

dsc01681
dsc01698

Was quite a stressful time for us as we waited for everyoneto arrive! Most were late because of a massive jam on the highways, work etc…. and the worst thing is: 2 attendees could not turn up at the last minute! We had to pull in one of my girls and Sharon’s ‘good friend’ to help us out for the filming.

Garion, who had very kindly agreed to help us out that night, was the first to arrive at 750pm when the crew was setting up. Next came Steve who rushed down from work, however none of the gals were in sight. Genecia came rushing in at 830pm from a massive jam, while Ivy breezed in at almost 9pm after her singing class to do her make up in the office. Finally Adam arrived to make up the numbers together with Emily…oops…Tiffany.

Beth and I were the waitresses for the night. The girls and guys were a little awakard and nervous about meeting each other for the very first time….plus we had to repeat certain actions for the different camera shots. By the time dinner finally commenced at 930pm, almost everyone was groaning in hunger!

dsc01693

Ada, Beth, Sharon,  Tiffany, Genecia and Ivy

dsc01692

 Thank you all the babes and hunks for your help in making this possible! I really look forward to seeing this episode aired on channel 8 in early April. Watch this space for the latest news of the broadcast date!
SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

« Older Entries
SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend
-->