The Great Master in Kungfu Panda proclaimed: “There are NO coincidences.” – in Pao’s life or ours. For the past week, I have had tea sessions with 3 friends who are single (or soon to be) AND attractive. It got me thinking about the correlation between the state of our relationships with our parents and our love relationships, and how we often (subconsciously) brought repeated (negative) patterns into our love relationships, which often than not ended in hurt and anger.
If in life, there is no coincidence, then everything happens for a reason and the pattern will continue unless we face it, resolve it and let go. Break the pattern or your life story will continue to play out like a well-used record – everyone knows the next line to the song, except yourself.
Take my two girl friends – Jay and Kay.
Jay in her early 30s, is an attractive professional who grew up in a traditional family where the father is the head of the family and everyone had to listen to him, even if he is in the wrong. At the tender age of 12, she became the defender for her mum when the father’s affair is exposed. The parents did not divorced but there was alot of unresolved anger and hurt and blame. Her relationships with her parents became very strained as she blamed her dad for doing wrong and her mum for not standing up for herself (and the family) and yet continue to harp on this affair with alot of bitterness. Although living under the same roof, she barely speaks or spends time with them.
She had a first relationship in college and while it lasted only a few months, it took her 10 years to let go and move on. However, even though she thought she really want to settle down and have kids, she found that she kept falling in love with the wrong guys who would not committ to her, and she kept getting her hearts broken. The last guy stringed her along for a whole year and she finally had enough. At her lowest point, she attended a course and it changed her. She realises that everything that had happened is brought upon herself BY herself. She stopped blaming others, and circumstances and took charge of herself – her emotions, her fears, her guilt.
She decided to be real to herself. Instead of presenting a facade of perfection to the guys she dated or liked, she now realises that because she wasn’t true to herself or to the guy – the other party is unable to know and like HER for herself.
It wasn’t easy ackowledging her own feelings and emotions, and being open with the people around her. But she is determined to continue to take baby steps to heal herself and take charge of her life. I am so proud of her – she was very frank with me during our conversation and I have also gained insights from our talks.
She will probably read my blog, so I would like to encourage her to face her parents and tell them about her anger she has been harbouring so she can finally forgive them and herself and rid herself of the misplaced label of an unfilial child…..
#No 1 Tip: Forgive yourself and others!