Ada Muses

Co-Founder Of The Dating Loft, Ada muses on dating, match-making and love….

Relationship Tips: Break the pattern in your relationships – Forgive and Let Go

January24

The Great Master in Kungfu Panda proclaimed: “There are NO coincidences.” – in Pao’s life or ours. For the past week, I have had tea sessions with 3 friends who are single (or soon to be) AND attractive. It got me thinking about the correlation between the state of our relationships with our parents and our love relationships, and how we often (subconsciously) brought repeated (negative) patterns into our love relationships, which often than not ended in hurt and anger.

If in life, there is no coincidence, then everything happens for a reason and the pattern will continue unless we face it, resolve it and let go. Break the pattern or your life story will continue to play out like a well-used record – everyone knows the next line to the song, except yourself.

Take my two girl friends – Jay and Kay.
Jay in her early 30s, is an attractive professional who grew up in a traditional family where the father is the head of the family and everyone had to listen to him, even if he is in the wrong. At the tender age of 12, she became the defender for her mum when the father’s affair is exposed. The parents did not divorced but there was alot of unresolved anger and hurt and blame. Her relationships with her parents became very strained as she blamed her dad for doing wrong and her mum for not standing up for herself (and the family) and yet continue to harp on this affair with alot of bitterness. Although living under the same roof, she barely speaks or spends time with them.

She had a first relationship in college and while it lasted only a few months, it took her 10 years to let go and move on. However, even though she thought she really want to settle down and have kids, she found that she kept falling in love with the wrong guys who would not committ to her, and she kept getting her hearts broken. The last guy stringed her along for a whole year and she finally had enough. At her lowest point, she attended a course and it changed her. She realises that everything that had happened is brought upon herself BY herself. She stopped blaming others, and circumstances and took charge of herself – her emotions, her fears, her guilt.

She decided to be real to herself. Instead of presenting a facade of perfection to the guys she dated or liked, she now realises that because she wasn’t true to herself or to the guy – the other party is unable to know and like HER for herself.

It wasn’t easy ackowledging her own feelings and emotions, and being open with the people around her. But she is determined to continue to take baby steps to heal herself and take charge of her life. I am so proud of her – she was very frank with me during our conversation and I have also gained insights from our talks.
She will probably read my blog, so I would like to encourage her to face her parents and tell them about her anger she has been harbouring so she can finally forgive them and herself and rid herself of the misplaced label of an unfilial child…..

#No 1 Tip: Forgive yourself and others!
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Tips on Finding Love (Part 1)

January8

For your reading pleasure – adapted from Finding Love by Dr Brown.

Finding love is one of the best things that can happen in our lives. Many of us search and search for love and have trouble finding that special someone- either we don’t meet the right person – or we think we had met the person only to find out that he or she isn’t what we are looking for.

There are a few things we can do to help cupid get you moving in the right direction. First, you need to clarify the things that are important to you in a partner. By doing so, you will draw yourself towards the person and the relationship that you are looking for.

One of the most important tips is to, first decide what you ARE NOT looking for. What are your “deal-breakers”? What is absolutely essential for you to have in a long term relationship? Do you want to get married and have children? Think about critical issues such as finances, religion and lifestyles. These are your core values and you need to be clear on what you can compromise and what you can’t.

Once you have clarified these basic core values – your deal breakers, you need to trust yourself and stay clear of potential partners who fall outside of these categories. Typically, these are also things you can find out in a few dates. Hoping that your partner will change or telling yourself that “this doesn’t really matters,” will only set yourself up for heartache down the road. Follow what you’ve decided and ultimately it will lead your heart in the right direction. KNOWING YOUR DEAL-BREAKERS IS CRUCIAL AND STICKING TO THEM THE KEY.

Be open to trying new things and be realistic about the outcomes. While it is essential to clarify what you do not want in a relationship, it is also important to keep your mind open about the other qualities that the person can offer, even if these are qualities that you have not been attracted to before. Your deal-breakers should be kept to between 5-7 core values that you will not compromise.

Outside of that, be open minded about stepping out of your comfort zone and date people who may not be exactly what you think you are looking for. As long as they are not deal-breakers, keep your mind and heart open!

Another important tip: Make finding love and dating a priority. Just as a photographer never travels without his or her camera, a person looking looking for love should always be prepared to find love. Knowing what you are looking for and what you want in a relationship and what you do not want) is a good starting point. The next is to to make dating a priority, and that means dedicating  time and resources to it, this can be in the form of consciously expanding your social circle, joining dating events or taking up a new social hobby.
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Number 1 Tip for Love and Happiness: The ability to Forget

November9

The ability to forget is as important as a good memory. Being able to tell what for which, ah, that’s the key.” – Malcolm Forbes.

Recently read some very interesting quotes on the topic of memory in Forbes Asia. When I read the above quote, my eyes lit up. I grinned. I finally have a convincing quip for my infamous lapses of memory. Some things slip my mind easily, while I have often console myself that it’s because the thing is not important that’s why I don’t remember it. Right. Try telling yourself that when you stare at a whole pot of black mush in dismay because you forgot to turn off the stove or you turn up at the wrong place for the wrong appointment because you forgot.

On the other side of the coin, I don’t bear grudges because I really do not remember much of why I was angry or why the quarrel started in the first place. I have known people who kept an internal scorecard against everyone – all that is being said or done or gave or received, so that they can even the score exactly. For instance, I have heard of an acquaintance who keeps tab of who responded to her invitations to her baby girls’ shower and who gave what gifts. And if you are the few who promised to turn up and didn’t, you will be ‘placed’ on her blacklist and she will always remember what you didn’t do.

Likewise in my interactions with the singles, I have observed that many seems to be single because they have not ‘forgotten’. Forgotten about past loves, past hurt, past guilt, past whatever. Take away all the convenient excuses of “too busy with career”, “no time” or “haven’t found the right one”, and a common thread exists:  A lady was single for 10 years after she was dumped by her first love, seemingly always meeting the wrong men and thus giving herself reasons not to go into another relationship. Another wasted 6 years in singleland, protecting herself with a shield that no man in his right mind would attempt to cross – tomboy dressing and an icy exterior.

I think when one truly forgotten, then one can live again. The Jewish writer, Sholem Asch wrote, “Not the power to remember, but it’s very opposite, the power to forget, is a necessary condition for our existence.”
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Life’s Tips: Life’s a Ship Voyage….

October29

Someone once told me that that our life journey is like being on a ship voyage crossing vast oceans and landing at different ports in all parts of the world. We will meet different people as we embark on the journey; some will stay with us for a part of the journey teaching us certain things about ourselves or about life, their words and deeds lingering in our hearts long after they disembarked. There will be people who have caused us heartache and grief; but we must always remember that none of all this – grief, pain, anger, helplessness, guilt or fear is permanent unless we allow it to be.

If we allowed ourselves to sail through life like being on a ship voyage – smile appreciatingly at the breathtaking sunrises and sunsets, enjoy the sensation of the sea breeze fluttering through your hair, dance freely on the deck, and greet every traveller you met with a genuine smile and a cheery ‘adios’!

There will be friendships built, laughter aplenty, relationships nutured, love given. At certain ports, people will come and go. You might even disembark and get on another ship heading for another part of the wrold. Mourn not for the loss of the companionships, rejoice instead at the love that you have shared. Let there be tears of appreciation as you bid your farewells, and say to yourself, “Such is Life!”.

Life Tips: Let there be No Regrets!
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Mathematical Proof of What I wrote on dating in Singapore?

October26

Received a hilarious email from a  friend of mine who read my previous post  “Ask for the Sky, Be the Cloud first”. Being the cool, rational INTJ he is, he decided to see if what I wrote makes sense…. Here is what he emailed me:

As you know, a cold and emotionless man of hard science like me who is devoid of feelings would only be convinced by numbers… So I pulled out the recent Singapore census and some related data.. did some crunching and came up with a shocking figure (assuming my numbers didn’t mess up)…

Assuming that I target a single Chinese female who falls betweeen 25 – 34 who are in broad selected religious groups and have a degree, I am down to only about 26,000 ladies. This is not even counting those who may be attached. So the real number that I could be looking at may be 10,000?? And of which maybe less than half will think I don’t act funny or think I look ugly???

 

For the fun of it, I thought I share the excel file and the data with you.

 

So there u have it, statistical proof that I need to be a Cloud first before I can ask for the Sky… It’s crazy but TRUE!”

Singapore (June 2009) (in ’000)  
Total Population 4,988  
Total Resident Population 3,734  
       
Sex Composition of Residents  
Males   1,845 49.4%
Females   1,889 50.6%
       
Age Profile      
  25-34 572 15.3%
  35-44 630 16.9%
  45-54 620 16.6%
       
Ethnic Composition (Residents)  
Chinese     74.20%
Malays     13.40%
Indians     9.20%

Chinese Females who are 25 – 34 5.75%   214.5

Single      
       
Males      
25-29     75%
30-34     35%
35-39     19%

Females      
25-29     52%
30-34     23%
35-39     15%

Single Chinese Females who are 25 – 34 4.3%   160.9

Religion      
Buddhism     42.5%
Islam     14.9%
No Religion   14.8%
Christianity   14.6%
Taoism     8.5%
Hinduism     4.0%
Others     0.6%

Buddhism+No Religion+Christian+Taoism 80%

Single Chinese Females who are 25 – 34 (in religion bracket) 3.5%   129.4

Height Requirement   100%
Handsome or Pretty   100%
Monthly Income Requirement 100%
Chemistry/Connection with you 100%
Finally, how many of such Singles are unattached 100%

Total Number that fit your above criteria:  25874

I did the stats study for the fun of it lah. It was also to provide mathematical proof of what you wrote. So yes, I joke that I should target blondes and Mainland Chinese now (larger population base to begin with!).. but the findings reinforces the moral of the story that local singles should not be too choosy. Whilst I joke about it, I did share the findings with my attached friends… telling them how lucky they are to be attached to such an eligible guy or gal… :) ” – reproduced with permission.

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