Ada Muses

Co-Founder Of The Dating Loft, Ada muses on dating, match-making and love….

Words of Wisdom from a Hong Kong Psychiatrist

November22

Came across some interesting words of advice and point of views from a well known male Hong Kong Psychiatrist who says that modern marriages only have a “30%” chance of making it.

He claimed that a famous female psychatrist once said that Chinese women contributed to 90% of all divorces. The main reason being that Chinese Women “liked to be in charge and in control, and to make the decisions”, and that this trait was not that obvious in Japanese and Korean women.

He claimed in one of his conferences, a very successful career woman came to him and asked him for advice to “tame her husband (to be obedient to her)”. He asked her: “Why do you need your husband to be obedient? He is not a pet or project that you need to tame or accomplish. Isn’t it enough that he loves/cherishes you?”

He further elaborates on the definition of a wife who “Wang Fu”, who helps her husband to achieve success in life. It has less to do with her “8 characters” at birth, but more to do with HERSELF. Is she a supportive and encouraging wife who can be a pillar of strength for her husband and family?

Or is she negative and always complaining and comparing her husband with others? This type of wives are referred to as “Ke Fu”, who poises a stumbling block to her husband’s success.

He claimed too that there are too many “Ke Fu” wives out there, while “Wang Fu” wives are sorely lacking (thus in great demand). Guys – Choose your spouses carefully if you want to achieve the goals you want in life. Externals such as looks and age can only bring you that far.

Gals – BE the ONE that you Want. If you want your spouse to be successful and provide financial and emotional security for you, then BE THE ONE that he can cherish and love.
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Is there really no hope for local Single Women over 35?

November3

Ever since Violet (Co-founder of Lunch Actually) launched her book recently, there has been a mini furore about the “unmatchability” of single women over the age of 35 years old. I have had phone and email enquiries from women with regard to this, as well as reporter from Wo Bao calling in to ask whether there has been a marked increase in the number of female members over 35 years old over these few years, and whether they are harder to match. My answers are: No, there has not been a marked increase, and yes they are harder to match.

Our conversation moved on to why women above 35 years are harder to match, and how do we handle them etc….Frankly, The Dating Loft does not have an official age limit, most of our members are aged mid 20s to their mid 40s (for men mostly). Every agency has their “own house rules”, and because women above 35 are really harder to match, it is no wonder many have stopped at matching for women past a certain age….

We are not trying to blow our own trumpet or trying to say that we are better than others, but we have never  reject a member outright before meeting them in person. We believe everyone has a chance at happiness and would like to meet the person and understand the person better before making a judgement call on their suitability. After all, I have met young ladies in their 20s whom I though were in their late 30s, and I have met babelicious women in their early 40s whose skin condition and figure would put most younger women (including me) to shame.

But why are the older women harder to match? Apart from the more obvious reasons of the biological clock ticking (Men loved to use this as an excuse when refusing to meet a woman in her mid 30s – “She will be a high risk mum” or “I prefer to have more couple time together before starting a family.”), many older (not all) single women I had met had channelled their formidable energies into building up their careers or businesses and thus are financially independent/rich….and along the way turned into demanding, domineering and controlling copies of their former selves. Because they had achieved so much by themselves, they expected more out of their potential partners. Their potential partners (even if it is just a date) have to “earn more than them, and/or have higher qualifications, and of course preferably be taller than them, and a host of other admirable qualities….” They only focused on what they want, what they expect, and forgot to ask themselves are they what MEN wants? I particularly remembered profiling a dowdy divorcee with 2 kids in her early 40s, who worked as a personal assistant to the CEO, an American expat in a MNC. She is adamantly looking for someone “preferably CEO or director level, in his 40s with annual income of at least 500K, be at least 1.8m tall and slim….” I was shaking my head during the profile and wondered in my heart what she was thinking?

We need to accept the simple fact that most if not all men are VISUAL. And realistic and practical as well. And SIMPLE. And they usually improved with age. AGE is a huge thing for local men. 80% probably prefers not to date/marry anyone older than them if given a choice. And asking them to meet a dowdy, divorcee in her early 40s with kids, who looked her age (or worse) on a blind date is impossible, even if they themselves are balding, paunchy, divorced with kids, and in their 40s too. So do we blame men for being looks/age-fixated? Or can we hold a mirror to ourselves and honestly ask ourselves this question: “In all honesty, would we DATE ourselves?”

On the other hand, I am glad that the younger generation (those in the 20s) seems to be taking a more open approach towards formalised dating channels such as joining dating agencies or events, as there has been a steady increase in their numbers here at The Dating Loft and Getthemdates. I observed that the younger members (mid 20s to late 20s) who joined us are usually more focused and goal-oriented. They came because they want to achieve certain milestones such as getting married by age 28, or having a family at age 30 etc…. Some of them may not have a relationship before and hence wants to get started before they get too old, which is great! I have always been a firm believer in making things happen, instead of waiting passively for things to happen!
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Singaporean Men LEAST willing to spend on their partners?

October22

Today is interview DAY! I received two calls from two reporters from The New Paper, and Lian He Zao Bao respectively. The TNP reporter asked for my comments on whether I think the Average Joes or the Hunks has the advantage when it comes to dating. Apparently an article which appeared on last sunday New Paper, showed that the Plain Janes beat the Hot Babes in dating!
Apparently Hot babes are used to attention from men since young, and thus have set up HIGH expectations of guys in dating and relationship while Plain Janes are more down to earth and realistic in their expectations, and do not expect the guys to worship at their feet; bring flowers each time, surprise them with lavish gifts etc.
Arh! Well I think I’m a babe, and i definitely do not set up unrealistic expectations for my guy. =P
Another interesting survey was revealed by the Lian He Zao Bao reporter, who said that Singaorean men was ranked the LEAST willing to spend on their love partners, followed by Hong Kong men, out of a survey of 9 Asian cities.
She asked me whether I have observed such behaviour from the local men when in dating. I honestly think this has nothing to do with Singaporean men (well, at least the majority of them) being more “stingy” but more because of the “equality” of the sexes.
Interestingly Singapore and Hong Kong are the most “developed” of all the 9 cities surveyed, and the socio-economic status of women are the highest. The income disparity between working men and women are the least among the 9 cities surveyed. With local women earning their own money and having similiar levels of purchasing power, local men probably didn’t feel the need to “buy” love and admiration from the women to augment their roles as “providers” and “protectors”, while the women lowered their expectations of having their men pay for things for them.
However, a word for advice for men: if you can no longer bank on your earning power to “hunt”, it is time to cultivate other essential “attraction” skills which is much admired by women all over – the art of communicating meaningfully, art of listening intently, and the ability to share the fruits of a well-read and well-used brain.
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Winning Mentality in LOVE and LIFE

October19

Had a whole day of events at SCAPE Orchard on Saturday in celebration of SDN 1st Birthday Bash! I hosted a quirky bread personality workshop at 2pm, a talk on stage on the “Winning Mentality in life and Love!”.

It was great meeting the 6 participants from Match Me Cupid and having Genecia Luo (of Inqueenz Training Academy) to give them some tips on deportment and dressing themselves for first dates.

They were a participative and enthuiastic bunch of young people! We had fun on stage with them at 9pm, and I think they all made friends with each other!


The Dating Loft also had a booth at the event, and Sharon, Jessica and Tiffany had fun playing Cat Women of the day, giving out delicious crunchy chocolate cookies from Mirabelle Patisserie and distributing flyers.

Finally photo opportunities with some friends we met at night to round off a busy busy day!
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On Why Men Love BITCHES and Marry BITCHES!

August26

Upon recommendation from a dear friend, I picked up a copy of Sherry Argov’s “Why Men Marry Bitches”, and enjoyed reading it! It is definitely entertaining and light but most importantly, it does throw some insights into the dating and relationship game for the average female. Some of the brutally honest and not-so-easy-to-swallow obervations compiled from the hundreds of men the author interviewed, made us want to cry and laugh at the same time!

The author uses BITCH in a tongue-in-cheek way, and does not take itself too seriously. SHe describes the book as “a relationship guide for women who are too nice”. She describes BITCH as  “Strong and kind. She has a strength that is so subtle. She doesn’t give up her life, and she won’t chase a man. She won’t let a man think he has a 100% hold over her. And she’ll stand up for herself when he steps over the line. She knows what she wants but won’t compromise herself to get it. But she’s feminine, like a “steel magnolia” – flowery on the outside and steel on the inside. She uses this femininity to her own advantage. It isn’t that she is takes undue of men, because she plays fair. She has one thing the nice girl doesn’t: presence of mind because she isn’t swept away by a romantic fantasy….In addition, she has the ability to remain cool under pressure. When a woman who is too nice gives and gives until she’s depleted, the woman with the presence of mind knows when to pull back.”

Sounds good right? I was thinking to myself that I do not want to be nice, and I want to be a BITCH! And I called my fiance last night. The conversation goes like this:

Me: Dear, do men love bitches?

My fiance: I guess they do.

Me: So do you prefer predictability or unpredictability?

My fiance: Unpredictability of course!

Me: Ok, let me rephrase that. Do you prefer that I am predictable or unpredicatable?

My fiance (immediately): Predictable!

*faint!*

This is MEN. They want the cake and eat it too! (Just like women! =P)
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